Review: A Very Merry (Unauthorized) Children’s Scientology Pageant

It’s a cold winter night. We shuffle into a cozy basement black-box theatre. We are surrounded by a warm and friendly crowd. The lights dim, and the story begins.

A group of children between the ages of eight and twelve are putting on a holiday pageant. In the opening scenes, you can see the sparkle in their eyes as they seek out the approval of their parents in the audience. They recite their lines, and sometimes they stumble over big words in that cute way that we are all used to seeing in grade-school productions. But, of course, we approve, because they are telling an age-old story. They are telling to story of a savior: a man born in a manger on a cold winter night, who went on to change the lives of people all over the world. That’s right, they are excited to put on a holiday pageant in praise of the life of L. Ron Hubbard.

Or that’s the illusion, anyway.

In fact, these children are experienced actors, and this is a professionally produced play. But it is a play about a group of excited children putting on a pageant about the life of L. Rob Hubbard. And the actors play their roles masterfully.

The story itself begins with L. Ron as an inquisitive child and young adult, asking about happiness and the meaning of life. He goes on a quest - moving from place to place searching for answers. But nobody - from New York City business executives to Chinese Buddhists and the ghost of George Washington - has any answers. So, L. Ron decides that he will give them answers.

L. Ron moves to Hollywood, and becomes a wildly popular science fiction author. Here, the children run excitedly out toward the audience, holding up books and announcing titles like Sea Fangs, The Carnival of Death, and Man-Killers of the Air. Following these titles, the boy playing L. Ron very seriously announces: “People like my fiction because it addresses timeless questions about meaning and happiness.”

The play then depicts L. Ron’s experience in World War II, exposing him to true human misery and despair… and he realizes he can influence people even more with a religion, instead of through science fiction.

Throughout the play, the children strike the perfect balance between child-like charm and biting satire. L. Ron’s theories about the “reactive mind” and the “analytical mind” are presented as a song-and-dance number (with the “reactive mind” and “analytical mind” dressed in big, squishy brain suits). An explanation of “auditing” and becoming “clear” is presented as a puppet show. A boy playing Tom Cruise hams it up with shades and a bright smile, and introduces a sock puppet as his wife Katie Holmes. And the story of Xenu and the history of humanity and the universe is presented as a play-within-a-play, in which the children are dressed in clunky home-made alien costumes and read the large words from index cards.

But with all of the poking fun, the play does take the opportunity to address a real underlying question: with all of the silliness involved, why do so many people latch on to Scientology? During a court scene where L. Ron is on trial, he calls an anonymous woman - who could be anyone - in his defense. She sings a touching song, describing her own misery and depression, her sense of alienation, and the sense of comfort she got from believing in something bigger than herself. The song is sad, and touching, and eerie… as it becomes a duet with L. Ron, whose voice eventually completely overpowers hers.

But even with its serious moments, this play never over-reaches. In fact, the way that the play has avoided litigation from the Church of Scientology is that everything that it presents is completely factual. The children have fun, but never have to be sarcastic or even overtly ironic. The material speaks for itself.

A Very Merry (Unauthorized) Children’s Scientology Pageant is playing at the Circle Theatre in Fort Worth, Texas, until December 20th, under the direction of Jaime Casteñeda.