10 bullshit hangover cures for the New Year

The UK leads the way in festive boozing, various surveys have shown. Even more than the French, it is the British who drink most (per capita) during the Christmas season. But what follows, we all know, is not so much fun. On the first day in 2009, many of us will wake up bleary-eyed and dry-mouthed to symptoms of severe dehydration, fatigue, headache, nausea and a host of other discomforts. The festive hangover blights us all.

The yuletide quacks – eager to profit from our morning-after misery – have been out in force over the past few months. Here’s a roundup of ten bullshit hangover cures which have been mentioned by the media over the last two weeks. Avoid them all.

1. The mulled wine smoothie

“Help a hangover with a mulled wine smoothie”, says hypotherapist, fitness instructor and psychotherapist Marisa Peer in an article which appeared in Metro. The recipe? Blend blackberries, raspberries and blueberries, then “add a little cinnamon and some ground/milled linseeds and warm it up”. Alright so far. But her promise that “the antioxidants will help banish the toxins and the linseeds act like a natural colonic, binding to the things in your gut that shouldn’t be there” is pure pseudoscience.

2. The hangover stopper pill

This is “the only hangover pill guaranteed to combat the adverse effects of alcohol”. Guaranteed by whom? Well, none other than Dr James M. Schaefer, “the World’s leading expert in Alcohol Use.” Right, the world’s leading expert who, for some reason, has a Ph.D in anthropology from the State University of New York in Buffallo (dated 1973). Not exactly an expert on anything, then. And there was one question missing from the website’s FAQs: What the hell is in these pills?

3. Vegemite and water

God knows who drinks this (New Zealanders?), but enough people for Dr Rachel Vreeman and Dr Aaron Carroll, both of the Indiana University School of Medicine, to specifically rule it out as a hangover cure in an article published this month in the BMJ (British Medical Journal). In fact, they ruled out all hangover cures or preventions, including “bananas and aspirin”.

4. The Bender Mender treatment

Shabir Daya, co-founder of Victoria Health, says the quickest hangover cure is a herbal remedy called The Bender Mender: “The powder contains dextrose, thiamine and pyridoxine to replace lost sugar and hence results in quicker recovery.” Drink it with a pint of water and maybe, just maybe, the “vitamins” will get rid of your headache.

5. The five mile run

On Jan 1st, 2009 hundreds of poor, hungover post-revellers will flock to parks all over the US to take part in hangover runs. The good news? They’re mostly for charity. The bad news, sadly, is that the runners will end up even more dehydrated and, as a result, feel even worse. But full marks for effort.

6. Artichoke tablets

It’s another Victoria Health special. This time, Shabir Daya tells us, “artichoke increases the production of digestive enzymes”. The pills also “metabolise the alcohol quickly and therefore eliminate it from the body”. Good though that sounds, if you see Shabir knocking these back with champagne, it might be an idea to confiscate the car keys…

7. Raw Owls’ Eggs

Here’s one from the history books, and it’s 100% natural. Pliny the Elder, a Roman who died in the 1st Century AD, recommended two owls’ eggs, taken raw and neat (according to Forbes.com). Pliny famously wrote that “true glory consists in doing what deserves to be written; in writing what deserves to be read”. He didn’t, however, tell us what raw owls’ eggs taste like – we can only conclude that this hangover cure is not truly glorious.

8. Nux Vomica

This might sound like the result of Pliny’s eggy cocktail, but it’s actually a homeopathic medicine. The possible symptoms for “needing” this stuff could easily have been written by an astrologist. Are you “spare, quick, active, nervous, and irritable”? Are these symptoms worse in the morning than after a nap? Then Nux Vomica is for you. It cures over-indulgence of all sorts, but not – as far as we can tell – hypochondria.

9. Hangover Morning Mend

Another homeopathic remedy, this not only reduces “headaches and nausea” but also “eye sensitivity to light commonly associated with a hangover”. And how does it do this? Well, Native Remedies tells us, “it works by helping the body to restore balance at a cellular level, helping the body transition back into equilibrium naturally”. All that for only £26 (around $40) a bottle.

10. Tennis balls in socks

Danny Williams, a “council member” of the British Osteopathic Association, brings us this last cure. Williams tells us: “Hangover headaches are caused by the meninges – the fibres that help keep the skull in place – becoming inflamed due to dehydration. To resolve this, try the following: place two tennis balls in a sock. Feel for the hollows at the base of your hairline, either side of your neck and place a tennis ball in each. Lie back on to the balls for up to ten minutes. This will help stimulate the nervous system to dilate the blood vessels going to the head, which will also help improve hydration to the meninges.”

Uh-oh. That sounds suspiciously like Craniosacral Osteopathy, which uses the “rythmic motility” of the brain and spinal fluid to treat various “tensions and dysfunctions in the body“.

Bad luck Danny. In 2002 Dr Stephen E. Hartman and Dr James M. Morton gave this pseudoscience a thorough examination. They concluded: “Atlhough many clinicians (and patients) have become convinced of the efficacy of Cranial Osteopathy, there are still no data, based on properly controlled research, supporting any claim that apparent symptom improvement following “cranial” treatment has ever involved more than, at most, a form of placebo effect”. It’s not clear why Danny’s tennis balls would cause blood vessels to dilate, but let’s just say an osteopath calling himself “the man with the golden hands” is probably not to be trusted.

The real hangover cure?

Well, sorry to disappoint, but there isn’t one. In 2005 Max Pittler, a research fellow in the controversial Complementary Medicine department at Exeter University, discovered this:

No compelling evidence exists to suggest that any conventional or complementary intervention is effective for preventing or treating alcohol hangover. The most effective way to avoid the symptoms of alcohol induced hangover is to practise abstinence or moderation.

Supporting this conclusion, Dr Rachel Vreeman and Dr Aaron Carroll (see Cure 3) confirm:

A hangover is caused by excess alcohol consumption. Thus, the most effective way to avoid a hangover is to consume alcohol only in moderation or not at all.

That, let’s face it, is one New Year’s resolution which won’t keep for long. And despite the quacks’ remedies, a Bloody Mary usually does the trick. Happy New Year from all of us at Counterknowledge.com!